God has taught me so much in my life. Not long ago, I sat in my apartment in Washington State agonizing over what I was supposed to do with my life. I sat, day after day, praying and rocking back and forth. I was asking God what he wanted me to do or where he wanted me to go. I had tried to find work, both in Iowa and in Washington, but no doors had opened since 2003 when I graduated. In preparation for my future endeavors, He led me to read Psalm 37 which I did- every day for weeks. It was incredibly hot just prior to my leaving Washington, over 90 degrees every day for weeks, so I spent hours sitting in my bathtub, in cold water, trying to keep cool. I was very poor and I couldn’t afford anything. If it weren’t for my sister Joanna, I wouldn’t have had any food at all, but as it was, she used part of her food stamps to feed me. My life had little meaning at that time but I knew a change was coming. For reasons unknown to me, I’ve always sensed when a major change was coming- this was one such time.
I had traveled to Washington State from Iowa for Joanna’s sake. She was in her last weeks of pregnancy, and I was there to drive her back and forth to the hospital as well as to stand by her side when my nephew Trevalyn was born. Watching him come into the world was an amazing event!
After he was born, I was sitting outside my apartment one night. A stranger came across my path and he started hitting on me. I was flattered and lonely; my husband had made it clear he didn’t want our marriage or me anymore. My flesh wanted to have sex with him, but my spirit was stronger than my flesh and I made him leave my apartment. I got into my car and drove over to my sister’s house, even though it was 2:00 in the morning. She was up and never locked her doors anyways, so I walked into her apartment and sat down. We sat up and talked for hours and then I fell asleep in a chair for a couple of hours.
Shortly after that encounter, I knew it was time to follow the burning in my soul to move on and I told Joanna that it was time for me to leave. Trevalyn was 4 months old by then. I didn’t want to leave and felt equally torn to stay and to go. I didn’t know where I was going, but the general idea was to get in my car and head south to California and then head towards Tennessee. Still feeling torn, I went over to a church close by my sister’s house. I stood in front of the church until a lady came over and asked me if I was ok. I was crying and attempting to be brave and I shook my head and told the lady that I needed to sit in the church for a minute. I felt that I needed the physical proximity to God (even though I’ve since learned that church is where you take it, not just a physical building). I sat and talked with this beautiful stranger, who prayed with me and basically confirmed that I should follow the leading of my spirit. I left the church still somewhat torn, but feeling much more confident.
I went home and packed up some of my possessions. I didn’t want to take too many items with me and I didn’t have a lot anyway. I left most everything behind, taking my precious books and some of my clothes with me.
On a Sunday morning, I went over to my sister’s apartment for the last time. I said goodbye to everyone and hugged Claymore and Trevalyn goodbye. I knew I wouldn’t see them again for a while and although it saddened me, I also knew what I had to do. Generally speaking, I am the kind of person who has a very hard time making a major decision but once my mind is made up, there is no stopping me. Once I have decided, I want to get it finished, and finished as soon as possible.
So, with a loaded car, a full tank of gas and about 500 dollars, I started my new journey. The only worry I had upon leaving was going to a new state, one I’d never been to before, by myself. I am very proficient at getting lost. I was sent to the store across town once when I lived in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and got lost looking for a store I had been to at least a hundred times. Sounds like no big deal, right? I knew this city!
To continue, I started out on this new adventure, going to California- one of the two places I swore I’d never live in. Note to the wise: don’t make rash promises- God has his own agenda and if he tells you to go a certain direction, it would behoove you to obey him instead of doing it your own way, just to be stubborn or ornery. Disobedience for any reason will just cause heartache for you and me (I’ve done way too many things contrary to the Will of God, and have the emotional scars to prove it). Despite my earlier fears, it was a wonderful trip. I had a blast, praying and singing and listening to one tape after another the whole trip.
I arrived in California and went to San Francisco. In reference to my earlier comment on getting lost, let me speak on the success of my trip: the whole trip out here, I only got lost once. I was driving late at night In Yosemite National Park, right before I arrived in California and I was trying to find a place to pull over because when I drove at night, it was difficult to see, since I suffer from night blindness. You know: headlights from oncoming cars blind me. Anyway, there was a sign saying there was no through way, but there was no place to turn around either so I had to go about fifty miles or so out of the way just to find a place to turn around. I started to get very scared because there were signs all over that warned of animals wandering about- bears, buffalo, and other wild life. I drove on, looking for a place to turn around. I finally found one- at the end of the road where it stopped just before the tourist section, but it wasn’t tourist season yet and everything was closed down. I turned the car around the way I’d come and continued to look for a ranger or someone else to ask for directions. I finally found someone, not a ranger, but a couple just resting for a bit, and asked for directions. They were very accommodating and helped me with the directions.
Once I reached San Francisco, I decided, somewhat on impulse, to cross Golden Gate Bridge. I paid money to cross it because I thought I had to, and it was worth the hour or so I was in San Francisco. I actually cried as I crossed Golden Gate Bridge- it was so beautiful! I drove into San Francisco and instantly found myself in the hood. I’d never been in the hood, and at the time I didn’t have a word for it, but only knew that it scared me. I prayed and said, Lord, I have to get out of here! I stopped at McDonalds to use the bathroom and eat a bite and as I walked to my car a man came over and sold me a couple of coloring book. I meant to send it to Claymore, but I never did.
I left San Francisco and headed further south, running into a town called Paradise. It was beautiful and I saw the ocean. Since I love the ocean, I decided to spend the day in Paradise. I walked by the ocean, running into a lady with a young daughter and the mother gave me a sand dollar she had picked up on the beach. I enjoyed Paradise very much and was sorry to leave. Before leaving, I was sitting on a towel by the beach about 30 feet from the ocean. I was praying, and I said to the Lord, “Ok, Lord, here’s the deal: I don’t know what you have in mind, but let’s leave it like this: if you want me to stay, you make the water come up to my blanket and not get it wet. If not, I’ll keep going wherever you lead me.” I turned around with my back to the ocean, looking at the homes built into the rocks now before me. I sat there for perhaps ten minutes or so imagining myself going from home to home asking if anyone needed a live-in maid. I became aware of people screeching and turned around to see that water come up to within 1/8 of an inch from my blanket and then recede. It amazed me and I answered the Lord and said, “Ok, that fleece has been answered. I’ll stay here in California. You just lead me the rest of the way, and I’ll be obedient.” I’ve always believed in fleeces. In the Old Testament, Gideon was led by God to defeat an army. He was somewhat timid and asked God to answer a couple of fleeces, which he did. I believe it should be noted that fleeces are generally used for immature Christians. As we grow in knowledge of God, we become more confident and learn to use the authority that God has given us. No decisions, particularly major decisions, should be made lightly, and seeking the aid of God is critically important. Seeking His aid in every area of our life will help us to keep connected with Him. We may still miss the mark, but with enough practice and perseverance, we will learn to follow his leading.
Yeshua told us that if we ask anything according to God’s will that it would be done for us. Sadly, it often takes a long time to acquire the confidence in our relationship with God through Christ to make this promise become reality.
I headed further south, towards Los Angeles, with no real plan to stay there, even though I was much more tuned into what God might want. I drove by the exits to Hollywood first. I hadn’t planned to go to Hollywood, but after a couple of exits, I decided to go visit Hollywood Boulevard. I have to admit it- I was enchanted instantly. I’ve loved Hollywood movies for years. I have a natural proclivity for remembering movies- lines, places, and events, and so I drove into Hollywood Blvd with about 100 dollars left to my name. I also enjoy jumping from one actor’s name to another. I went to Tommy’s and ate and walked over to the 76 Station to call Joanna. On my trip down, I had had a recurring mental picture of talking to my sister Joanna on the pay phone while looking at the Hollywood sign. I thought it was my imagination, so imagine my surprise when, as I talked to Joanna on the phone, I turned slightly so I was facing the street. I lifted my eyes and there, right in front of me, was the Hollywood sign that I’ve seen in the movies for years. Well, I’ll tell you- the hair on my head stood straight up. Joanna asked me at that exact moment whether or not I was staying and all I could say was, “Yep, I guess I am.” And that was that. There was no more thought of leaving to go to Tennessee or anywhere else. That night I slept in Malibu. I found a gas station and asked the attendant if I could sleep behind the station. He agreed and I parked out back and got into the back seat. I wrapped up in my favorite blanket and went to sleep. I woke up the follow morning hearing a different language. I peeked out the window to see a bunch of Mexicans standing around chatting with each other. I climbed back into the front seat and decided to spend an hour or so on the beach. I paid 12 dollars and went to the beach.
I had been playing with the idea of going to a police station and seeing what the next step would be, if they could direct me somewhere. That night after driving around all day, I decided to go to Hollywood Blvd and spent the last 6 dollars to my name to stay at another gas station- the same gas station I had talked to Jo from the day before. I finally found a police station and walked into it. I parked my car outside and sat in the waiting room for an hour or so. I utilized the time I was there to study the people around me coming and going. A police officer finally called me and asked me what I needed. He bought me a root beer and I explained my situation. He said he’d do what he could. He talked to a social worker that had entered the police station and told her my situation. She said that she had come to take a family who had been evicted from their apartment and were on the street to a shelter and then she would come back for me. A couple of hours later, I was sitting on the concrete, right outside the police station, watching the ants on the ground (I have a fascination with ants) when the lady came back and told me to come with her. I explained that I was driving and she gave me a strange look and told me to follow her. I climbed into my car and followed her to Santa Monica. She took me to Samoshel and I felt sad and my heart hurt the moment I walked through the doors. This was a world I’d never seen, and I certainly had never been in a shelter like this one. It was a Friday night, and I was there for 3 days, so I decided to make the best of the situation. It was the start to a whole new phase of life. I remember thinking that I should be on the other side, helping these same people instead of being one. In retrospect, I understand that I needed to learn to live among them in order to really be able to help them in any way. In other words, I needed to become one of them.
Saturday I woke up and got out of bed. I walked out of my bed area and went outside to smoke a cigarette. I noticed this man sitting in a chair. I thought he was beautiful and he had these beautiful eyes. He was wearing a shirt that said, “Issues… You bet your sweet ass I have issues”. I was scandalized, but I couldn’t help but laugh. He just sat there, arms folded across his chest, moving his eyes, watching everything without turning his head. It was clear to me that he was a people watcher-just like me. I started talking with people and soon put him out of my mind for a while as I started quoting scripture and preaching, two things absolutely ingrained into me.
Raphael
Chore time at Samoshel came and I volunteered to help. I went out to the back yard and started raking up the leaves. The man I’d seen earlier stood up and came over to help me. We didn’t talk very much at that point, but I was very aware of him. First of all, there was more chemistry then I’d felt through two marriages and various relationships. Second of all, I could sense there was something about him that was truly remarkable, although I couldn’t put it into words. He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.
It wasn’t simply physical attraction; it was so much more than that. He was dangerous and safe at the same time. He was simultaneously hard and soft. I guess it’s safe to say that I fell in love with him immediately, although I must admit that the admission is coming for the first time even as I write the words. It took me a while to come around though, mostly for fear of getting hurt again.
My three days finished at Samoshel and I moved back into my car, which was parked not far from Samoshel. I knew that I would be returning to Samoshel and was just waiting for it to happen. The man from the shelter, whose name was Raphael, started coming to see me every day. He brought me fruit (I early on made a mental note that I would, in fact, not have to worry about dysentery!) and whatever else food he could find me. Sometimes he would even bring me a plate from the food line, go back and then come back to visit with me after supper. We sat in the car for hours talking. I remember his first kiss. He came around my side of the car. He said, “Give me some sugar,” and leaned down. I kissed him and thought he had the softest lips. I’d never kissed a black man before and found that it was the same principle as kissing a white man only with Raphael it was completely different. He was different - I’d already learned that in our talks which almost always focused on the spiritual. As we got to know each other, he opened my eyes to a world I’d never seen, heard, or felt before. He heard my whole history and accepted it as part of me. He helped me to understand that my past was just that, the past, and to let it go. I learned a lot of history from Raphael that I’d never heard before, history of his ancestors, ways of thinking and responding to God that isn’t preached from the pulpit and learning that there are books in print that back up the Bible, even saying the same things, such as the books of Enoch, the Book of Thomas and several other of the Nag Hamaddi files and the Dead Sea Scrolls do. In many ways what he said contradicted what I’ve heard all my life-ways of looking at myself, others, and ways that the church sees. Here’s an example: Jesus was a man of color with black, probably wooly hair, yet we see him portrayed at a white man, blond haired and blue eyed. Why is that? Is our pride go great that we have to turn the truth of the only sinless man who ever lived into a delusion? I’d have to say Raphael is, without exception, one of the wisest human beings I have ever met.
I followed all the procedures stated to me, in order to get into Samoshel. The conviction that I was to get in at the shelter was so great that I knew that God was going to open all the right doors in a miraculous way. I had been told that it would be a 6-week wait; Raphael disagreed with their predictions. He said that within a week or two I would be there. I also knew it wouldn’t be too long. One day, I went over to Samoshel, about 10 days later, the lady told me there was a bed open. I hugged her and promised to be back at 2:00 pm as she instructed me. I came back and was in that night.
It was incredibly hot and humid and I went every day during the week to Chrysalis to seek employment. I did my orientation and all the classes that were recommended. From the start, I had an interest in working for Chrysalis itself. I made broad hints at first, then grew bolder as the sense I had towards working there increased. I was hired there part time on the last day of the fiscal period. I worked there for 3 months. Part of the time was part time, much was full time as I was needed more and more for the time we were moving to a new location.
Let me return the subject of Samoshel. After I arrived, I was fairly happy. It was a joy getting to know Raphael. It was hard, at first, for me to accept that he loved me. My thinking was distorted and I have had self-esteem issues the majority of my life, and I was finally forced to simply accept it by faith. When we first became involved, I felt myself being drawn back to a pattern of behavior that had primarily ruined my life. Regardless of how I felt about Raphael, I already expected him to get tired of me and I allowed myself to be swayed by other men as well as pride that would tear us apart. I’m a people-person and I love to be around other people. For that reason I found Raphael’s insistence that there be no other men around me strange and antiquated. It wasn’t a suggestion and it took me a while to respect it. I saw it as jealousy and possession; two things I didn’t feel could be genuine love, so I rebelled (as if anyone else had cared enough to set parameters), particularly in my heart. Because I have the redeeming quality of being able to receive constructive criticism, I started paying more attention. With a lot of work and patience in conjunction with a lot of pride being shed and molded into submission, I learned to see that Raphael was right. I learned to be “wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove” through the love and influence of this man that I finally saw was God’s gift to me. It took me a while to figure out that it was protectiveness and possession and rightfully so. Marriage is a state that rests between the two hearts of a man and a woman. It’s a state that exists because God created it to be so. As far as Raphael was concerned (and I came to believe and understand this as well), we were already married before God and so as my husband he had the right to demand that I remain faithful to him, not only in physical form but in appearance as well. Raphael did something that every man must do. He took control. I Timothy 3 said that if a man can’t rule his own house, he wouldn’t be able to rule the church. God is our Father and he makes certain rules and expects us to obey. Yeshua is the husband of the church, of which we are both members. As our husband he left us with a blueprint of how we are to live. Through his own mouth, the examples of the Old Testament men and women, and through the mouths of his apostles, he gave us a blueprint by which we should live.
While at Samoshel, Raphael made a prophecy: “You will be president of the resident council at Samoshel.” At first I didn’t believe it, but within a week, he was the president and I was the vice president. This only served to confirm that Raphael was the man that God had created for me. Raphael and I were spiritually husband and wife and therefore one flesh- therefore I WAS president because I was Raphael’s support system. Over and over, God has shown me what it means to love him in new ways, as well as how to rely on him. After Raphael and I became president and vice president of the council, we found that we couldn’t do very much. Oh, we worked at it, just as we work at everything we set our hearts and minds to, but there was so much unbelief and lack of cooperation, that we were unable to turn things around in the way that we wanted to. We are both natural born leaders and more than ready and willing to get our hands dirty, but no leader can have true authority and order unless those they are leading are assisting and helping in the endeavor. Yes, God worked through us to start a prayer group but it didn’t work out as well as we would have liked. Generally speaking, there was just too much world and not enough godliness involved, regardless that the Salvation Army ran it. We had wanted it to be instituted as an alternative meeting for those who didn’t need to attend the mandatory meetings required. This didn’t happen and so the group never really took off at all. Shortly after we left, the Salvation Army pulled out of Samoshel.
Raphael and I left Samoshel and we legally married. We did it, not because the church mandates it but because God had revealed to me that if we were obedient to the Word that he would bless us and make us to prosper, not necessarily in material blessings but particularly in spiritual blessings. Probably the most important thing we have learned in our walk together and with the Lord is that material stuff is just that- stuff. It’s replaceable. It’s junk, maybe having sentimental value, but that’s it. You can’t take it when you die and that’s a lesson that everyone needs to learn. The Bible says in Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (NIV) I know the Bible. I have known it and memorized it for years and yet, until I was 25, all that knowledge did me little good- because not until I received Yeshua as my Savior and started walking the message instead of simply quoting it did I really start to grow and change. I wasn’t less of a Christian before I met Raphael, but I was a less effective one. I’d had a few victories prior to meeting Raphael, but after I came to Santa Monica, because of the trials I faced with Raphael, as well as the obedience to God in coming, I learned to have bigger, deeper victories and really learned what it means to walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7 KJV) Raphael opened my eyes to a world I hadn’t known existed. He came to me one day and handed me a 3 ½ Floppy Disk and said, “Read this- It’s 1 Enoch.” I sat down at a table with the very laptop I write this from which was a blessing from one of the ladies that lived at Samoshel when we did. From the first couple of words I was hooked. I read it, all 109 chapters. It took me several hours and a couple of times of moving around, but by the end of the day, I had read the whole book. As I read, I mentally compared it to the Bible. The vast majority of people have been taught since childhood that there are 66 books in the Bible and that those are all the scripture you need to grow in Christ. What they haven’t learned is the History behind why the Bible was put together as it was. As I said, I mentally and physically checked the Book of Enoch against the Bible- using the Word as a litmus test, as it were. In 109 chapters, I never found one thing to dispute what the Bible says. Not one. I even mentioned it to Raphael and everyone I’ve told about it since. In point of fact, I Enoch 1:9 and Jude 14 & 15 in the Bible are the same verses. Go ahead, look it up in Jude and I’ll put 1 Enoch in here so you can see what I mean: “And behold! He cometh with ten thousands of His holy ones to execute judgment upon all, And to destroy all the ungodly: And to convict all flesh of all the works of their ungodliness, which they have ungodly committed, and of all the hard things which ungodly sinners have spoken against Him.”
If you looked it up, you can see that this is almost word for word what Jude 14 & 15 says. Jude was Yeshua’s (Jesus’s) brother. There’s a question that both my husband and I have: If it was good enough for Yeshua to teach his disciples and ultimately his brothers, why does everyone fear the books that are not included in the “regular” 66 books of the Bible? The Bible says that all scripture is inspired by God, not all the regular scriptures we read. It tells us to study to show ourselves approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth (2 Tim 3:16 KJV). It’s important to note that a Christian can go their whole lives without reading any books outside the 66 books we know. There is more than enough there to keep up growing in Christ for the rest of our lives. Equally important to note is that there are other parchments that can work with those scriptures we read on a regular basis and maybe even cast a new light on the scriptures we know. Growth is the main necessity in a Christian’s life. It’s not only important; it’s imperative. When you are riding a bike, and you stop peddling, you fall off; it’s that simple. Our Christian walk is much like that riding motion. We are told to watch for Yeshua’s return- that indicates an deliberate act, not only a belief.
Ishaq
My husband is a wonderful man. He believes with all his heart in divine healing and has taught me to believe in it as well. I used to be just fine with going to see a doctor for every little thing if I didn’t feel well and I still go periodically but far less regularly than I did before. Raphael learned years ago that God had put a special ability in him. When he was just a young boy his father died of a heroin overdose. Before I tell you about that, let me tell you a little bit about his father. Raphael’s father, Ishaq Hameed, (Lavern Grier), was a strong man who loved his son so much that he sacrificed a once in a lifetime opportunity to appear on the Ed Sullivan show to raise Raphael by himself. Raphael’s mother, Gloria Baker, who had five children prior to him, abandoned him when he was no bigger than a toddler and subsequently Ishaq was a single father. Ishaq believed in God and taught Raphael to understand mind over matter and the relationship between the spiritual and the material. Lavern Grier served in the US Navy as a cook during the Korean War and learned martial arts from the native masters of kempo and shotukan karate. Lavern developed an addiction to heroine during his tour in Korea, which he brought back home with him to the United States. He soon found himself in trouble with the law while trying to support his habit by performing exotic shows where he would eat fire using flaming torches and used them to ignite the gasoline in his mouth to blow a ball of fire toward the audience. He also stuck large hatpins through the center of his tongue, cheeks and belly skin. When he pulled the hatpins out, there would be no bleeding, showing that the had mastery over his circulatory system. He would then lie on a bed of nails and have two to three large men stand on his chest.
When the men stepped down off of his chest, an assistant would place a cinder block on Ishaq’s chest and break it with a sledgehammer. Ish would rise up off of the nails and turn his back to the crown to show that he had suffered no damage. The grand finale would have Ish standing in a large tray of burning coals to the amazement of the crowd. The audience learned that nothing could harm him, neither fire nor steel but Ish was not impervious to heroine. He landed in prison for possession of heroine, where he was introduced to the Muslim religion and changed his name from Lavern Grier to Ishaq Hameed. After serving his time he resumed his show-biz career and met Gloria Baker, a young nurse in training who loved to sing jazz in the nightclubs in her spare time. It wasn’t long before they were married and Raphael was born. When they divorced, Ishaq raised him since Gloria was more interested in her career. Years later when Raphael was ten years old, Ishaq was shot in the shoulder with a sawed-off shot gun. He was taken to Providence Hospital where he was treated. The morphine that the doctor’s gave him for the pain led to an old demon raising its monstrous head- heroin. He died of a drug overdose while Raphael lay sleeping in the next room. Raphael awoke suddenly and went into his father’s room, where he found him lying on the bed but he didn’t know that his father was dead when he initially came into the room. All he knew is that Ishaq wouldn’t wake up and wasn’t breathing so he went to the bathroom and got a cold, wet rag and put it on his father’s head. He sat by the bed holding his father’s hand and closed his eyes. He prayed and called his father’s name, without fear, without doubt. After his father woke up, he sat down in the same chair that Raphael had been sitting in and sat him down in his lap. He told Raphael that he had been dead and that as his spirit was leaving his body that Raphael had reached up and grabbed his hand and wouldn’t let go. He pulled his father back down, raising him from the dead. Ishaq told Raphael that he had great power and to never stop believing in God’s power and grace. This is a completely true account. When Paul was preaching, a young man fell out of the window and Paul raised him from the dead. When Yeshua was still on earth, he told his disciples that they would do the same things as he did and greater also. There have been accounts of various pastors over the years raising others from the dead. Years later Raphael’s mother was hospitalized because she had a mild heart attack, which led to a light stroke. He visited her three times; each time he deliberately gave his power to her to heal her. She had tubes coming out of many areas of her body and yet every time Raphael came to see her, a tube was removed. Within two weeks, she was home. Because my husband has such a strong spirit my weight went down from 300+ to 229 pounds within a year. Now that I’m somewhat stable and not constantly walking, I really need to watch my weight because it’s trying to come back. I am sure that God will give me the strength I need. It’s also because of Raphael teaching me to go to God first with my illnesses that helped it to be a fact that I haven’t had a single bronchial attack or asthma attack in months. I used to keep my inhaler on my person around the clock. I used to get bronchitis every year without fail. I have had pneumonia twice in my life, once putting me in the hospital for a whole week. That’s not to say I am completely healed, yet. Like I said earlier, I have tremendous back pain at times and I have a female problem that simply won’t go away without medical interference. But, I have hope. I don’t dwell on the pain any more than possible. It’s not easy, but as long as I have distractions (and can focus on them) I am all right.